30 Days of Truth: Day 23

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life

http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth/

Again, for me, this comes back to regret.  I have a hard time saying that I wish I had done something because then I feel like Im saying that I regret my life.  No matter how much I may hate my life (and I do), Im still here.  For some reason its kind of triggering for me to feel like I regret my life in any way.  It starts me down that dark path to despair, and I dont really need any help going down that path, I seem to find my way just fine on my own.

With all of that being said, I suppose I will just list some things that I would like to do in my lifetime.  Things that I do wish I would have accomplished already, but havent done so.  That does not mean that I cant still, I have to believe that its possible, otherwise I really have no reason not to just give up.  Sorry if this sounds kind of depressing, but like I said, thinking about things not done does depress me.  Anyway…

Find some kind of happiness in my life.  “Recover” for lack of a better word.  Find some kind of peace with who I am, and learn to live a life worth living.

Have children.  I dont really want to go into specifics, but Im obviously not stable enough to have kids at the moment, but should I “recover”, there are many more obstacles to achieving this, that brings me to my next thing.

Find some way to make enough money so that we are comfortable.  I dont need to be rich, but it would be nice not to constantly have to worry about money.  It would be nice to be able to just get things that we need when we need them (and some things that we want as well).  It would be nice not to have to worry about how were going to afford to go to the doctors, or buy our babies food…  It would be nice to be able to support ourselves and not have to feel bad about my parents taking care of us…

Sing.  Have my own band, and sing.  Period, that it.

Hopeless

So much for my good day.  I am not feeling great right now.  A few things have just hit me like a fucking ton of bricks just now.  I had a conversation with a friend whos having a really hard time right now.  I feel absolutely worthless because I can not help her.  Aside from that, selfishly, it also makes me feel like I dont matter enough to be able to help her.  I know that doesnt make sense, but that I dont mean enough to her to help.  Like I said selfish, but that just comes back to how Ive been feeling lately in general.  Needy.  Like every one hates me, and no one gets me.  No one (other than Toast and Jen) truly know me, because I wont let them.  I let no one in.  Becky hasnt even really met the real me.

After the above  mentioned conversation was over, I looked up how much the tickets are to see Marilyn Manson at the Orbit Room.  Theyre expensive.  I didnt think wed be able to go.  I almost started crying (Ive never seen Manson live, and Ive been geeked about it since Toast called to tell me about it earlier.  I never do anything anymore, its exciting).  Toast says we can go anyway.

My anxiety has again raised to extreme levels out of no where.  I dont feel like I can handle feeling like this again.  I can not fucking breathe.  I wonder if this has something to do with the Ativan.  I feel panicky.  I feel wired and Im fucking exhausted.  Im not looking forward to another night of insomnia (I dont think I mentioned that in my earlier post.  I havent been sleeping well at all).  Im feeling hopeless.  I dont want to do this anymore.  I want to curl in a ball and bawl my fucking eyes out.

Anxious Motivation

Pretty much every night for the past, I dont know, week or so, my anxiety shoots through the fucking roof, and I sit here on the verge of a panic attack over nothing really.  Monday night, watching The Voice had me on the verge of tears (I want to start singing again, dammit.  Which led to thinking about all the things that I want to start doing again, and when will I ever have the time to?).  But last night, last night was the worst.  I couldnt breathe, my heart was pounding, I was shaking, my thoughts were racing (I kept having to write everything down again).  Then the weirdest thing happened, it started to motivate me.

Becky (DBT Centers of Michigan) and I had talked about the need to stop fighting against the anxiety and try to make friends with it, I think having that in the back of my mind helped.  Also, in reading Fiona at faithandmeows post, Do I Want To Recover?, I found myself realizing how much I could relate to what she had written.  Realizing (even though Ive always known this, and Ive “realized” it many times) that Im the only thing standing in my way.  The anxietys there, and its always going to be, hopefully it will lessen with time, but its part of who I am.  I am an anxious person.  I couldnt stop thinking about the “do nothing cycle” depicted in the post, and how it is me.  Its exactly what I do, and that I need to learn to stop it.

As I said earlier, I had to write a bunch of my thoughts down.  Heres part of what I wrote -

“I need to stop putting things off, stop making excuses, be me, accept where I am and let change happen.  Let what is, be what is, and what will be, be what will be.  I need to stop letting fear have control over every facet of my life.  I have this feeling like Im standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down and I have the urge to jump.  I think theres a safety net at the bottom but I cant see it, and Im not sure it there, but Im about to jump anyway.  This may be my salvation, either that or my suicide.”

I also was experiencing the strong desire to write a poem (actually more like 3 different poems) and to draw.  I kept writing notes for one of the poems because we were watching Fringe and I didnt have time to actually write.  So now I have a bunch of notes in my planner but no poems (I had planned on writing them today, but time and likely motivation evade me).

Today, I woke up and all of the motivation of the previous night had left me.  I did not let that stop me, however.  I still plan on writing the poems and doing the drawing, just not sure when now.  I did force myself to get dressed today, even though I did not feel like it, and honestly I just feel fat, but this is the 1st time that Ive gotten dressed in probably at least 6 months (I told myself last night that I was going to, and I did).  I worked out for an hour.  I weighed myself and I lost 3lbs this week.  Initially I was excited about that, then ED started whispering, you weigh 146lbs, your a fucking fat pig, thats nothing to be excited about, but I turned my thinking around.  Because you know what, it is something to be excited about.  I was having a very hard time getting under 151lbs, and now, Im 5lbs under that.  Since my initial weight gain and loss over 10 years ago (165lbs-115lbs), Ive been between 115lbs and 145lbs.  When ever I get depressed, Id gain weight but never going above 145 until this year, and I am rapidly approaching that weight again, so yes, I should be fucking excited.  Im also starting to get my flexibility back, I can do my left splits again, havent been able to in a few years.  This is all progress, and its progress that I would usually sweep under the rug as nothing.  Today, Im not letting myself.  Today, I am proud of the changes I have made.  They may not be big changes, and I may have a long way to go, but its proof that I am going. Period.

Baby Steps

For some reason, not exactly sure why, I was extremely anxious for my therapy session this week.  I have been experiencing a great deal of extra anxiety in general lately (again not sure why), so that probably at least had something to do with it.  Therapy always makes me overly anxious, but its usually not as bad as it was in the beginning.  This week was.  I had a very hard time focusing on anything the entire time.  I dont really remember the specifics, but I do remember the main things we talked about.  Ill do my best to attempt to share those things with all of you.

Becky (DBT Centers of Michigan) asked me how I felt after group last week (since I was an anxious wreck the whole time I was there).  I told her that obviously the anxiety came down after I left, but I still felt like hell the rest of the night.  We talked about how Ive been having major issues with my blood sugar over the last week or so.  I think because Im working out more, and Ive been stressed out (anxiety through the roof every day, verging on panic) my blood sugar has been dropping rapidly out of the blue.  When that happens it doesnt really matter if I eat.  I mean, I do have to eat to prevent it from dropping lower but even after I eat, I still feel awful for the rest of the day.  Ive decided that I need to change the way I eat.  Im rereading The Zone, because its aimed at controlling insulin levels.  I had a lot of success eating that way years ago (its the best thing Ive found at keeping my blood sugar levels even), so Im going to try that again and see how things go.

We talked about how my homework assignment went (which was to talk to Toast about how we could try to find ways to take a break and come back when were both to dysregulated to be able to converse in any kind of productive way).  It didnt go well.  I brought it up, and when I did, the whole idea began to not make sense to me anymore.  Toast didnt understand what I was talking about, so I just got angry and told him never mind, we werent going to talk about it.  In reality, I wanted him to ask me questions and try to figure out what I was talking about, he didnt (because hes not a mind reader) and I ended up really angry.  Again, in reality, I wasnt actually mad, I was scared.  I have problems talking to him about anything real anymore (unless he starts the conversation) because of issues in our past.  I immediately become anxious, and full of fear, which generally then turns to anger.

Becky and I decided that what was asked of me was too much, that we needed to take a step back and try to figure out what would be steps towards being able to communicate more effectively.  We talked about a bunch of things we could try, none of which I can remember, but I was having a hard time seeing how anything would help.  Becky told me to try to remember that its a trial and error type of thing, if we try something and it doesnt work out, we can always go back to the drawing board.  What we ended up with, and what Im supposed to try for my homework this week, is again to try to have a conversation with Toast.  This time Im supposed to tell him about the fear that Im experiencing, about how it turns into anger, and that I get stuck.  Im supposed to tell him that in these situations I would like him to try and ask me questions to help get me unstuck, and if Im still stuck that I would like him to try to validate that experience, that I am stuck, and frustrated…

30 Days of Truth: Day 22

Day 22: Something you wish you hadnt done in your life

http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth/

There are many, many things that I wish I hadnt done at times.  Honestly though, I try not to regret anything.  I can get caught up in self loathing and want to wish away my entire existence, and only be able to see all of the fucked up things that Ive done in my life, but when I really think about it, when I access my wise mind, I wouldnt change any of it.  Not even the most fucked up terrible things I have ever done, not the things that have hurt other people, not the things that have hurt me.  Sure, I could have handled things better, and its never good when you hurt someone, but it was what happened, and therefore it is what should have happened.

For good or bad my life is what it is because of every single little choice that I have made over the years.  Am I happy with my life right now?  Hell no, but whos knows, had I made different decisions things may be even worse.  But besides that, every mistake is an opportunity to learn, and grow.  And maybe things happen for a reason, even if I cant see that reason right now, it might reveal itself to me in the future.  Also, I just dont see the point in regret.  You can not change the past.  The one and only thing you have any control over is the present moment, so why waste your time regretting things you did once upon a time?  This is obviously much easier said than done, and I do definitely struggle with this, but in the end, I dont regret any of it.

30 Days of Truth: Day 21

Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before, what do you do?

http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth/

I dont like this one.  I have absolutely no idea how to respond to this.  How bad is the car accident?  Is my friend fine?  Are they dead?  Im mean what the fuck?  Without more information I cant really answer this.  Obviously I wouldnt deal with it well, but I dont deal with anything well.  Yeah, I dont know what to say, sorry   This post is awfully boring so I think I will leave you with some music that has nothing to do with this, because I listened to it yesterday, and its been in my head ever since.

Nostalgia and Reconciliation

We watched the Rum Diary last night.  There was one scene where the two main characters do drugs, some kind of hallucinogens.  As I watched I was filled with nostalgia.  God, I miss drugs.  I miss that life.  Of course there are a lot of things that I do not miss but I miss living in different states of mind, always seeing the world through different eyes, each day living in a different reality.  I miss the ritual.  I miss the hunt.  I miss the experience.  I miss the sex.  I miss the adventure.  I miss the excitement.  I miss the escape.  I miss that me.  Im having a hard time reconciling what I think I want in my future with things that I like and miss about my past self, that self, blah.