Its amazing how quickly my moods can change. Toast got home from Keegans (nephew) baptism and at 1st I was glad, happy to see him. That quickly turned to extreme agitation. I got incredibly irritable and I was mad at him. Im not entirely sure what that was all about. I know that it started when I opened my Birthday card from his parents. They gave me a $40 gift card to Old Navy. I dont understand why they didnt just give me the $40. I dont shop at Old Navy (they know this), and I was in there with my sister not that long ago (she had some money from taxes to get some desperately needed new clothes, but not much, so she was hoping to find something cheap but cute there) and it was horrible, there is no way Id be able to find anything, they might as well have just thrown the money away. After that I got even more irritated when he asked if we were going to go get some movies. We had planned on it earlier, and that is what I really wanted to do but I felt like I should be getting something else done. I planned on getting something done while he was gone but that didnt happen. I didnt get up until 1:30 (we were up until 4:30am), I worked out , took a bath, and posted, started eating dinner and he came home. I feel like I never have time to get anything done and its really starting to eat at me. Anyway, I know that started and added to the agitation but I think it was more then that, it felt like it. I dont know if maybe I was mad at him because I was mad at myself for not being able to go to the baptism. Jealous maybe that he got to see Keegan, that he got to go out in the world and actually do something, while Im stuck here in my current extremely socially anxious, agoraphobic state? I dont know.
We did go get movies and by the time we got back here I was in a better mood, not great but not ready to hurt someone either. We watched Burlesque. It caused some mixed feelings in me. I liked it even though it was cheesy, and it made me smile and have some sort of happy feelings just because singing and dancing always does but it also made me sad. I miss singing and dancing so much. Not stripping dancing(although there are times that I miss that, and things that I miss about it in general), but actual dancing dancing (I danced on and off for years, jazz, hip hop, and a little lyrical). Theres a part where the power gets shut off on stage and Allie (Christina Aguilera(I love her voice, I respect the shit out of anyone that can belt like that)) starts actually singing instead of lip syncing (if youve seen it youll know what Im talking about). My eyes teared up and I had to fight off crying. I couldnt help it, it was one of those moments where the person realizes their destiny. That they are meant to do exactly what they are doing right then and there. I want to feel that. If I could do anything I would sing in a band, but I would also love to do burlesque or something of that nature. I of course could never do anything even remotely close to anything like that in my current state. I want to be actually living, I want to be out experiencing life, but here I am, paralyzed by my own irrational fears. A prisoner of my own mind. This is not who I am meant to be. If I had been raised differently, if I had never became borderline, I can almost guarantee that I would have my band. I would sing, and I probably would still dance. Thats what I did the majority of the time as a child. Its the only thing that made me feel better (aside from Toast) as a teenager, and as an adult. The last few years Ive pretty much stopped singing all together, Ive become so depressed and just a shell of who I truly am, that it doesnt help like it used to. Ive been feeling the need to sing again lately but I wont do it living here. I used to when I was a teenager, but now my self-esteem is so low that I will not do it anywhere where someone might here me (it doesnt help that because I havent been singing my voice is horrible, Im actually decent when I sing on a regular basis), I have a big voice when I sing so if I tried everyone would here me (this house isnt very big).
Im feeling weird now. Like Im kind of full of hope and depression. The movie left me feeling like Im meant to sing, and that maybe its still possible that I could, but at the same time I can only think about all of the obstacles against that possibility. I feel like everything is against me. I feel like we will never have the money to have our own place, somewhere safe that I could get comfortable singing again (also I would like to take voice lessons at some point, and how will we ever be able to afford that?). I feel like I dont have enough time, like I never have time for me, and I have so many things that I need and want to do. How will I ever find the time? I feel like Ive wasted the best years of my life, and Im only getting older by the minute. On top of all of this is of course my illness, and I am very ill at the moment. Why did this have to happen to me? Why does it have to happen to anyone? How will I ever be able to overcome all of this and live my life as me? Even if I can recover, will it be too late? I dont know. Im feeling very anxious now.
I think it’s fantastic that you want to sing and dance, but BPD does make it hard to reach goals. Could you take lessons to feel like you’re closer to your goal? Would that help you feel better? I have abandoned my goal of being a performer.
I want to see Burlesque too, but I haven’t yet. I’m into those kinds of movies about dreams and reaching them, especially when there’s music and dance involved.
I used to take dance for years when I was younger, now Id prefer to just do that at home, but I dont have any room. I do want to take voice lessons but there expensive. Also I wouldnt even attempt that until Ive gotten the social anxiety more under control and I would need to be singing on a regular basis before I do that too. Before we moved back to Michigan I sang a couple of times and my voice was terrible. Whenever I go along time without singing that happens. When I was singing everyday I was pretty decent though, I wanted to take lessons because I have a hard time keeping my voice out of throat. I think I get nervous and tense, I used to smoke weed and it would loosen me up and Id do better but I dont smoke anymore.
I liked it, if your into that kind of movie you should definitely see it. Ive always liked dance movies just because I used to dance, but I also like any movie about reaching your dreams, especially if its and underdog situation. It gives me hope.