From Bad to Worse to Being Sedated and Subdued by Hospital Security – Part 1

Warning : The following 4 part post may be triggering for some individuals, content contains suicidal ideation and self harm.  I also ask that there be no judgement of me.  I am letting you take a look inside of my mind and thought processes when they are at their most irrational as a way for others to try and understand the basically un-understandable.

I havent posted in a couple of days because, as the title suggests, things proceeded on down a steep downward slope after my last post (Mid “Episode” Post).  So much has happened since I last posted (and I am still exhausted), so I am kind of at a loss as to how I should approach this post.   Im beginning to feel very panicky just sitting here thinking about it.  Ok, we last left off, my sister had left, I was extremely pissed off at her (stupid fucking fears of abandonment), and all I wanted was for her to come back here and “fix it”, I was also feeling very suicidal (maybe Im going to have to make this a multiple part post, this is entirely way to overwhelming).

Obviously, I posted, and then I was trying to read my blog subscriptions, mess around on Gothscene.com, deviantArt, and whatever else to keep my mind busy, and off of the fact that Jen had not come back here, and that I very much wanted to die.  She did finally call me hours later.  Dad answered the phone and I wouldnt talk to her.  She had my dad ask me to at least read the email she had sent me.  I did, but I didnt really allow myself to take it in, and really didnt have a clue what she said, I replied with, I dont fucking care what you have to say.

She didnt respond, or call me back, which is obviously all I wanted.  I was, not quite consciously at the moment, trying to push her buttons, trying to get her to respond, trying to get her to do what I wanted, which was come over here and make me feel better about the situation.  Since she didnt, I was just falling further into my realm of irrationality, consumed by what I saw as the fact that she did not care about me, how unloved I was, and how she was abandoning me after promising me that she never would.  After a couple of hours of not hearing from her, I sent her another email saying for her not to come over here tomorrow (Saturday).

I got off the computer, and just laid in my bed, thinking about how much I hated her, how much I hated myself.  That I am nothing but a burden to them, and that they deserve better.  They didnt deserve to be treated this way, they didnt deserve to have to deal with my dramatics, they didnt deserve to have the plague that I am forced upon their lives.  I wanted to die.  I could not see any reason that it was worth it for me to be here.  Not for them, and definitely not for me.

Toast came home, and started trying to talk to me, trying to make me feel better.  I pretty much just ignored him.  Jen called, and I wouldnt talk to her, I said that maybe she should have talked to me earlier, while she was here.  Toast told her, I guess she doesnt want to talk right now, and got off the phone.  I told him that they are both fucking idiots.  No, I wouldnt talk to her on the phone, but the last thing I wanted was for him to just get off the phone with her, and for her to just be gone.  I know that I am completely irrational when I am like this, and I know that it isnt easy for them to know what is going on in my head, but they had both read my post that day (ok Toast hadnt yet, but he would soon, and he knows me better than that anyway), I do not understand how neither of them got what I wanted.  That I wanted Jen to come here and talk to me.

Toast kept trying to talk to me, I did not want to talk to him, finally, I told him to go read my post and leave me alone.  After reading it, he started telling me that he thought Jen would come over here and talk to me, if he were to call her and tell her that I needed her.  My thought was no she wouldnt, she has kids,  no matter how much she loves me, her kids will always come 1st (which is how it should be, but at the time, in all of my irrationality, that did not matter to me, I felt abandoned, and unloved because she was not here for me).

He said, you know its killing her right now because she thinks you hate her, I replied that I did hate her.  He said, maybe you do right now but you do love her to.  I said that no I didnt.  He asked, Why?  Because she left?  Because she said she would always be here and then she left?  I ignored him, but yes, of course that was why. in my head, I didnt fucking need her, I didnt need anyone, they never do what they say they will, she left and I was fucking done with her.

I got back on the computer and checked to see if Jen had responded to me (telling her not to come over the next day).  She had asked why?  and I replied that I am done with her and I never wanted to see her again.  This type of thing went on, on and off all night randomly.  An email here, a text there, all aimed at making her feel terrible for not being here, and trying to manipulate her into coming here.  Yes, I said it, I was being 100% manipulative.  You have no idea how hard that is for me to admit.  I am not a manipulative person in general, at all.  But when it comes down to me feeling abandoned, this sneaky, conniving, irrational, manipulative creature comes out that will say and do anything to make the feelings of abandonment go away (when talking about BPD and they say frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, they arent kidding.  This is the type of things that they are talking about).

Meanwhile, I just laid in my bed, staring at the wall, while Toast just kept trying to fix things.  I continued to ignore him, there was absolutely nothing he could do, not a god damn thing, there is only one person who could do anything about it, and that was Jen, and I saw no way that that was going to happen.  So I laid there, feeling completely dead inside.  I felt nothing but hate, for everything and everyone, even those little girls (believe me admitting to that makes me feel suicidal all over again).  With that thought, I realized that I was indeed no longer human, that it was most definitely time for me to be done, that I needed to kill myself and I needed to do it soon.

This entire time Toast keeps talking to me , asking what he can do to help.  Me all the while ignoring him, until I could not take it anymore and I said, YOU cant do anything.  He asked because only Jen can, or because there just isnt anything I can do?  I ignored, him, I thought the answer was obvious, after all I had overly emphasized the you.  He just kept talking and talking, until I snapped and I kicked him in the head, and told him to shut the fuck up.  I was so sick of hearing him talk, there was not a god damn thing he could do, so he needed to just shut the fuck up, or find a way to fucking “fix it”.  I did feel dead and empty, now I was full of rage, and it was obvious.  So what does he do?

He sits there and stares at me for awhile, and then starts talking again.  He asks, All you want is for Jen to come back and talk to you?  Ignore.  Thats what you said in your blog right?  Ignore.  Well, Im here.  You dont fucking count, I yell.  He asked, Do you want me to call her and tell her to come over?  I replied, no (but of course thats what I wanted, but I knew she wouldnt be able to, Matt was at work, and the girls were sleeping).  Are you sure, he asked, I can go out in the living and she can come in here and talk to you.  I plugged my ears, and he started crying.  This pissed me off, when Im like this I really have no empathy, all I could think is that he was just going to sit there and cry instead of doing something to “fix this”.

He told me he was going to call Jen, I said no, he said why not?  Whatever, do what the fuck you want, I yelled. He said you need to talk to her, and I again plugged my ears.  He called her only to find out that she couldnt come over, Matt was still at work, and the girls were in bed (told you so).  He starts crying on the phone with her, telling her that he cant fix it, and that I just need to talk to her.  They were trying to figure out a solution, would I talk to her on the phone?  No.  Could toast go over there and watch the girls, while Jen came over here to talk to me?  I would have none of that.  Should she get the girls up and come over?  I said she had better not get those girls up.  Toast finally told her, well if the girls are sleeping, the girls are sleeping, maybe if Matt comes home early… and got off the phone.

He continued to try to figure out something he could do.  I said there is nothing just shut the fuck up, and put Monk on.  He did, and I laid here, depressed, empty, and tried to watch Monk, but all I could think about was Jen, and being abandoned and not knowing what Turning Point had said.  Jen called and asked if she could come over tomorrow, I said no (I was planning on after my dad went to bed, taking a bath, cutting myself and taking the rest of my Ativan.  I had already hid them in the bathroom earlier, just in case I wanted them).

At some point I think Jen started to become really worried because of the random emails and texts that I had mentioned earlier.  They had ended with her asking me, if she waited up until Matt got home, could she come over tonight, and why would it be ok for her to come over tonight but not tomorrow.  My replies to these were either nothing, or simply Goodbye.  Finally she called back and asked if she could come over when Matt got home (talking to Toast).  I said, she doesnt need to come over, she doesnt need to do anything.  They asked, but would I let her come over, to which I replied, whatever.  Toast told her yes, and I guessed that she would be showing up sometime.  I started to think I didnt know what good it was going to do though, it had been too long, other than serving as a way to stop me from cutting myself and overdosing.  She got here sometime shortly after 1am.

To be continued….