DBT Tuesday

Therapy started out in the conference room for skills training.  I was extremely anxious (probably because I hadnt done my homework, and had engaged in self harm).  Becky (DBT Centers of Michigan) didnt say anything about a new group starting anytime soon, but I wish one would.  It feels like a lot more pressure on me when Im the only one there.  Anyway, we talked about the distress tolerance skills set, improve the moment.  We then took a break and went into Beckys office for individual therapy.

We mostly talked about the fact that I had cut myself, and everything that had went into that.  Starting with the all of the reasons I was more vulnerable this week (illness, lack of sleep, issues with sex, the loss of a friend).  I told her that what had set the whole thing off was my not being able to have sex with Toast without freaking out and the subsequent complete lack of emotions, and my desire to feel something.

Becky wanted to know what was different about this time.  There have been many times since the last time that I cut myself that I have felt empty, why did I give in this time?  I told her that I have no release.  I dont drink, do drugs, smoke, eat, starve… anymore, and cutting seemed like the lesser of all evils.  That I couldnt take feeling so dead inside.  That my sexual issues have been really wearing on me for a long time but that the loss of P may have helped to push me over the edge this time.  That talking to him may have been taking some of the edge off, and its just like losing one more outlet.  I cant even have sex with my husband, I needed something to feel alive (even though it didnt end up helping).  Becky asked me, so if feeling dead is so unbearable, then how does that resonate with me regarding suicide (or more my frequent desire to commit suicide)?  I told her that the hope is that if your dead, there will be nothing to feel so it doesnt matter, but being dead while your alive, is not fun.

I dont quite remember how the conversation went, but she wanted to know what I think it is that caused me to shut my emotions down (after we had sex, and I panicked, cried, then shut down)?  I told her that I did it on purpose, because I couldnt feel what I wanted to feel, but feeling nothing at all was just as intolerable, hence the cutting.  That I shut down because, on the one hand I cant handle Toast trying to comfort me.  When Im panicking I feel stuck inside my body, and him trying to comfort me, either with touch or words, feels suffocating.  Also that I feel so hopeless and worthless that I dont see the point in feeling.

She wanted to know if I thought that it had to do with the fear of feeling that had been taught to me as a child, when I wasnt aloud to express anger or sadness, or if I thought it was a trust issue with Toast.  I think both things play their part.  I explained how when Toast and I 1st started dating I didnt know how to cry, I would automatically shut it down, and I didnt feel much of anything.  I honestly didnt think Id be around long enough for it to matter, but he changed all of that.  Then life happened and he ended up treating me in ways similar to the way my mom did, and it became easier to just shut everything down and not feel again, it caused me to regress.

We talked about how I can not let myself trust him, I can not let him in.   That I know the reasons that things got this way between us, and they are valid, but that theyre not really valid anymore, yet I still dont know how to let go of all of that and trust him again.  I so badly want/need to be able to connect to him, but I cant, I dont know how.  Im stuck, and its so fucking frustrating.

We then started talking about if we had made any decisions about what we want to do as far as seeing a doctor about my lung issues goes.  Of course we havent even looked into what we were supposed to.  She thinks that there is a very good chance that if I clear up some of those issues it may start to make things easier for me to get unstuck.  We brainstormed a little about what we should do about the situation.

We decided that Becky will call the doctor that Molly (Neurotherapy Associates of West Michigan) had suggested and find out if we would have to pay the entire amount (over $300) at once, or if we could make a payment plan.  Shes going to email me when she finds out and then part of my homework is to talk to my parents about what direction we want to go.  Becky thinks going with the above mentioned doctor would be the smartest because this is his specialty and if I go to a free clinic I may not get the care that I need, but we have to figure out if the money is doable.  I was already extremely nervous about having to have this conversation, but today my parents had to take the car into get fixed, and its going to cost them at least $700, so now Im even more anxious.  Im pretty sure that my dad will want to do whatever I need to get me healthier, but I worry about mom.  A lot of times shell say things like, well if we have to we have to, and then roll her eyes, which makes me feel terrible.  She acts like Im making her pay for it, when in reality, if they cant, they cant.  Im not going to hold that against them, but she makes me feel like I am.  Becky asked that I try validating mom.  That I let her know that I know they dont have much money, and that Im appreciative of everything they do to help.  I told her I would try, but thats not easy in the face of my mom acting the way she does.

The rest of my homework is to do at least one thing from the distress tolerance skills everyday.  Before I left she told me that she wants me to try and remember that I do have a lot of vulnerabilities right now, and to try not to be to hard on myself.  I told her that I think I am, or trying to anyway.  That I think Im doing fairly well for the circumstances.  That if the whole P thing had happened a few months ago it would have completely leveled me, but while I am having a hard time, Im still on my feet, kind of.  She was very happy to hear this, saying that its progress, and its great that Im allowing myself to recognize that.