My birthday (Monday) actually went ok. It wasnt like I had a super fantastic day or anything, but mood wise things were pretty calm, and there were a couple of things that actually made me feel happy 
I know I said that I just wanted to pretend like I wasnt having a birthday, and my mom was kind of getting on my nerves bringing it up. Well, there was no way my family would let me just ignore the fact that it was my birthday, so I knew I would just have to deal with it but the card my mom gave me actually made me feel like she loves me.
Greeting cards dont generally mean anything to me. Im the type of person that thinks theyre pretty pointless. If you want give someone money, just give them the money, theres no need to spend money and put it in a card. What if you were just planning on giving the person a card? In my opinion you should just give the person the 5 bucks you would have spent on the card instead. My mom, however, is a completely different creature. Shes the person you see standing in the card aisle, pouring over each and every one until she finds the precise card that says exactly what it is that she means to say. Shes also the person standing in the card aisle trying to hide the fact that shes crying when she has finally found that perfect card. This is what the inside of my birthday card says…
What makes a daughter special?
Its not how she does her hair,
the music that she listens to,
the clothes she likes to wear.
It isnt what the eye can see
that brings a parent pride,
but the warm and caring person
a daughter is inside.
Its her gentleness and laughter,
the joy she always gives,
her honesty and kindness,
and the thoughtful way she lives.
What makes a daughter special
right from the very start?
Its the most important thing of all-
the love thats in her heart.
Upon reading this, I actually felt tears well up in my eyes. It really hit me because I know that she means it. It reminds me that no matter what stupid shit she may say or do at times, she does love me unconditionally underneath it all. It also reminds me how far shes come. That shes doing her best at letting go of the idea that she can change me, or even that I need to be changed. It says it right there, she may not like the way I dress, the music I listen too… but she does love me for me. This is something that I still struggle with a lot. I now know that she loves me unconditionally, but it wasnt up until a few years ago that I actually came to believe that, and I still feel like she loves me because she has to. She has no choice, shes my mom, and she just does, and I so desperately want her to love me for me, all of me. Not ignoring the things she doesnt like and only choosing to see the things that she does, but I feel like she growing, shes becoming more excepting, and really thats all that I can ask for. She does love me, and Ill take that.
I did have neurofeedback on Monday. When we got there Molly (Neurotherapy Associates of West Michigan) immediately started to talk about why people choose their partners. How we tend to find people that remind us of things from our past, because they are comfortable and what we know, but also people that we think have something different as a way to try to change our past through the other person. She went on to tell us that she thinks that we could benefit from doing dual sessions (that would be Toast and I both doing neurofeedback at the same time).
I think she thought of this because of the argument that we had had the prior week(Monday – The Return to Neurofeedback), and all of the negative energy we had brought with us. She explained that doing sessions together can help us to not only work out some of our individual issues quicker but also some of our issues as a couple. That she adores us, and she sees a spark in us, and she knows that we should work together, but this might help make it easier.
So we started training together. I ran Bones (you run windows media player with your brain, and you get feedback from your brain while doing so. Its confusing and complicated but it actually makes sense when Molly explains it), and Toast ran a track of waves in the background (so it wouldnt interfere with us watching the show). Further on down the road, sometimes we will cross wires, so that we will be getting feedback from each others brains. Im not sure exactly how it works, but Molly said that it helps to strengthen bonds that already exist and makes it easier to smooth over issues when they arise. It made me really happy that we get to do this together. I left feeling positive, and like I can and will change my life.
After we got home my mom started asking me about neurofeedback. What does it feel like? What does it do? I tried to explain that I dont really feel anything right after doing it, but I do see changes in my thought processes that seem to occur quicker than with therapy alone. She seemed pleased, and somewhat more open than she usually is. I decided to take this opportunity to bring up the lung doctor. I told her that both Molly and Becky (DBT Centers of Michigan) think that this is a piece that could really be holding me back. She sighed in an annoyed manner and just walked away. This reinforced the fear I was feeling about talking to them about it, so I just further put it off.
The rest of the day went decently. We ate dinner together as a family (mom, me, Toast, Jen and the girls. Unfortunately dad had a class to teach). We hung out with Jen and the girls for a while. Toast actually got to play with the girls for a bit (he doesnt get to play with them as much as theyd like because hes at work most of the time their here, but they absolutely adore him), which made me smile. After they left, exhausted, we just watched Medium on Netflix for the rest of the night.
happy birthday
i love this post.
your mom seems lovely. x
Thank you
Happy Birthday gorgeous girl, so glad you had a good one. Totally agree about cards, what a waste of money (and trees!) but I think occasionally, the right card with the right sentiment can be so touching, and what a lovely card for your mother to choose.
Took me a long time to realise what unconditional love from a parent means, I’m still learning every day!
Belated birthday wishes to you! xx
Thank you!
Love, love, love this post!
Happy belated birthday my love.
Aww, thank you dear
Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry I missed the bus on that one. I know what you mean about the wanting to forget. My birthdays in the past have always made me miserable, for various reasons. That card from your mother sounds absolutely perfect. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Just remember that all mom’s can be annoying sometimes. As a mom, I know it’s my job, LOL. We do it because we care, A LOT!
And at the very least, your mother remembered your birthday. Ugh. I’m still pretty miffed about that.
I’m partially Freudian when I think about the psychology of choosing a mate. Somehow, it seems like all of my ex’s reminded me of my father. They were tall and strong. Some were kinder and some were meaner, but they had many of the same qualities. Then, my husband and I got involved. You see, we were friends for a long time before that. He was not my physical type. At least I didn’t think so. He’s shorter, about 5’7″ instead of the 5’11″+ men that I date. But, he was exactly my mental type. Quick as a whip, well educated, thoughtful, warm, doting, and attentive. He seemed exactly the opposite of my father. Until about a year or so into our marriage. I started hearing him say things that my father would say.
My father and I didn’t have a good relationship until recently. (Well, until after I had my son). It kind of bugged me at first. But, now I think it’s good. We fit well. The reason my father and I butted heads so much is that we were too alike. Stubborn, rigid, and always wanting to have the last word. My husband and I butt heads, but no one wants to be the top dog. It’s actually pretty perfect. Weird right?
Thank you. Its funny, I do see traits from both of my parents in Toast, good things similar to my dad, some not so good similar to my mom. My dad and I have always been close, but my relationship with my mom has been very strained up until the past few years. We still have a lot of issues, but like I said she is trying, I am trying, we do love each other and really thats whats important
C.S. has some good qualities from my mother. He is neat and clean like her, but completely disorganized like my dad. He’s a little obsessive, and also sometimes a little impulsive. I can see it. I just can’t get over how it’s just so possible for someone to marry someone like their parents.
I’m glad your mother is trying. I guess, in recent years, I’ve come to see my mother’s true colors. They aren’t always nice. And that’s what she hides behind, is this front of “nicer” and not wanting to be the bad guy. It seemed pretty underhanded to me, but I’m an incredibly upfront person. She seems to be trying. Although there was no mention of apology from my mom that she forgot my birthday, she at least offered to take me out and go shopping to buy me a gift. While I realize that this is her opportunity to max out her charge card on buying things she wants too, it was at least a kind gesture.