Walking the Line

Im worried about myself.  Lately I cant seem to tell whether Im coming or going.  One minute it appears that I am trying to slip into a deep depression.  That I am peering over the edge into the void, and I have to fight like hell not to fall into the nothingness, to stay “ok”.  That I am circling the drain if you will, and the next minute Im teetering on the edge of extreme anxiety and some kind of mania.  Walking that thin line between semi normalcy (thats as normal as I get) and complete chaos, thoughts racing, scrambling for my pen as they spill out of my head faster than I can possibly write them down (and yes I do feel compelled to write them).  This has been happening for at least a few weeks.  I feel like Im constantly struggling.  Like I can barely keep my head above water, and if stop treading for even a minute I am going to go under, I am going to drown.

I wanted to update with some of the things that I have written down, as examples of the way Ive been feeling, and thinking.  Wednesday night I got into a rather pointless argument with Toast.  Well, I guess not entirely pointless.  I think it was valid that I was upset, but not the extreme anger that I was feeling over the situation.  I think that I may have been unconsciously, yet purposely making things worse again.

I thought I was feeling decent all day Wednesday (although I think there may have been some repression at work) and then with a few words out of Toasts mouth, boom, explosion.  I watched it happen, as if I was on the outside looking in.  I knew I was making things unnecessarily worse, that I was being way to overly sensitive, but I couldnt stop, and honestly I didnt want to.  Anger is so much easier to deal with than the other emotions that I was feeling, fear, abandonment, sadness… maybe I just needed to feel period.

Toast told me that a friend of his had stopped by the shop and had wanted to know if he wanted to tattoo him at his house on Sunday.  I immediately flipped.  I started yelling at him.  Hes gone all day everyday, for no real reason.  More than 1/2 of the time he just sits at work and does nothing.  He could be here with me.  He hardly spends anytime with me and when he does either were running around doing stuff (because its the only time we can because hes at work until 8pm or after.  Hell sit at work and do nothing all day, and then a client will come in at like 7:30, so hell stay and work late because we need the money) or were watching something, and hes going to go work on one of the only days he gets to see me.  I feel like I dont see him at all.  Why couldnt his friend come into the shop?

Toast tried to calm me down by telling me that he wasnt planning on it.  He didnt want to go, hed just considered it because we need the money.  That I was right, he would tell his friend to come into the shop.  This just made me angrier.  Now I felt like I was being made out to be the bad guy.  That he had to find out if it was ok with me, and now since obviously it wasnt, I would be to blame.  We argued about this on and off for the rest of the night.  I held onto the anger like it was a prized possession.  Like somehow it was going to make me feel better.  When in reality all it did was cause me to feel depressed, hopeless.

I started questioning everything that I had been thinking about earlier that was positive.  All of a sudden I couldnt trust my own decisions.  Earlier, I had decided that I wanted to get a Biggest Loser Slimcoach with my Christmas and birthday money.  Now I didnt want it.  There were to many things that I wanted/needed and I was no longer capable of making that decision.  I started to fall deep into despair.  I began feeling sorry for myself, and again very overly critical.

Thinking about how Im sick of being alone.  That even when Im with Toast I feel alone, we rarely actually just spend time together.  That Im sick of not having any friends, but I cant have friends.  People dont like me.  Theres only one type of person that ever likes me (aside from Jen, but she doesnt count), and that would be people that want to fuck me, and then 1/2 of the time fall in love with me, and I end up with all kinds of drama.  Ive had a couple of these people, past friends get a hold of me on Facebook lately, and want to hang out.  I would like to (talking to them actually made me feel a little better about myself, a little more alive, and like I could be capable of having friends again), but I cant.  I took their phone #s and said yeah, maybe but I dont have a car right now… knowing that I wont be able to.  Theres the fact that I dont go out, I dont do anything, I dont currently interact with the real world in any capacity, and of course theres that pesky monogamy thing.

I started feeling very left out.  Of life in general.  I watch people interact with one another, and it just seems so effortless, but I havent a clue how to do that.  Even if I did, again, people dont like me, especially women.  I feel like I cant even fit in to this blogging community.  That I am always on the outside looking in, I dont even fit in with a community of mentally ill people, how pathetic is that (I dont write this trying to illicit any kind of response, this is just the way I feel about myself, see myself, and honestly I believe this to be true of myself).

I had a hell of a time getting to bed.  I could not feel better in any way.  I could not feel any kind of resolution.  I told Toast that we were done simply because he couldnt make me feel better.  We finally got to bed sometime after 4am, I was still upset.  I felt unlovable.  I felt like a terrible person.  I felt hopeless and pathetic and like my situation is the same, hopeless and pathetic.

Thursday, I got up and weighed myself (as I always do), and there was no movement on the scale.  I do know that I look better, and that I feel stronger but I can not seem to get under 151lbs and its so fucking frustrating, infuriating really.  As much as I hate to admit it, the ED part of me that lurks inside of my head has been desperately trying to escape.  Im not binging, and I am eating but my head is not quite right.  I am beginning to obsess, and my need for constant movement has begun.  This fueled the hopelessness that had stuck around from the previous night.  I felt (feel) so out of control.  Like I have way to much to do at all times, and I can never breathe.  Then I got my disability decision in the mail.  After reading it I had a massive headache, and I felt even more hopeless, and angry on top of that, but that is a whole nother post entirely (which I will get to soon).

I want to leave you with this video, because I heard this song while working out today, and it really resonated with me (where I currently am, and where Id like to be)

Tool, Reflection

I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and
Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful

It’s calling me…

And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret – my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me

Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting

And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
Don’t wanna be down here soothing my narcissism.
I must crucify the ego before it’s far too late
I pray the light lifts me out
Before I pine away.

So crucify the ego, before it’s far too late
To leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical,
And you will come to find that we are all one mind
Capable of all that’s imagined and all conceivable.
Just let the light touch you
And let the words spill through
And let them pass right through
Bringing out our hope and reason …
before we pine away.

(Lyrics taken from http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/reflection-lyrics-tool/bed55e0c5bf9d92b48256a57002ce84e)