Feelings are Just Feelings, I Dont Have to Give Them Control

Monday night was again spent dealing with severe anxiety and panic.  I kept thinking about my therapy appointment (DBT Centers of Michigan) the next day.  I just wanted to be able to fucking breathe.  I kept wondering how long it will take for my inhalers to start to actually help.  Worrying that even if my anxiety does have a physical cause, that its become so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it wont matter, and the inhalers wont end up helping.  I had a major tension headache, felt nauseous, and I was extremely exhausted, but I did not want to go to sleep.  If I went to sleep, that would mean that the next day would come, and that would mean that I would have to go to therapy.

I did somehow manage to force myself to bed, but I woke up periodically throughout the night.  Each time that I woke up (including when I actually got up), I was having strong self harm urges (maybe I was dreaming about it, I dont know).  I kept having visions of me bringing a blade with me to therapy to give to Becky (homework from last week, Willingness vs Willfulness), and instead using it to cut myself in the bathroom when I got there.

I got ready to go, and got a razor out, folded it up in some toilet paper, and put it in a ziploc baggie.  Honestly, I did not think this was a good idea, especially given my mood lately.  Just getting the blade out of its hiding place was very triggering.  I felt like we had just created a much greater likelihood that if strong urges were to arise later, I wouldnt be able to ignore them.  I felt like we should have just left them where they were.  They were there as my safety net, but I didnt look at them, I didnt touch them.  I had no contact with them, the box theyre in is hidden where I cant see it, way in the back of my bathroom drawer.  I felt like seeing them, touching them, had only served to weaken me that much more.  While I was waiting to leave, I kept thinking about it in my pocket, and seeing myself in the bathroom, covered in blood.  Talking to my dad on the car ride there helped to distract me, and I had pretty much forgotten about it by the time we actually got there.

Becky and I spent pretty much the entire session talking about the scheduling issues.  We talked about what all of the issues are, and decided that the main issues are time (or the lack thereof), food (hypoglycemia issues, and issues with breaking my routine), working out, peeing (that sounds really strange, but I drink a lot of water and after I work out I pee like every 10 minutes, so if I worked out before a session Id be peeing the whole time), and exhaustion.

We talked about what all of our options were, and how these issues affected those possibilities.  Ideally, I would be able to do neurofeedback and individual therapy on the same day, but that is just not possible (Becky is busy on Mondays, and Toast works on Tuesdays).  Since the ideal isnt possible, we had to try to figure out which of our other options would be the least invasive.  Knowing that whatever we came up with was not going to be desirable, but we are trying to take steps towards not letting the fear control my life, and Becky thought this was a good opportunity to do just that.  This is very hard for me, my routine is everything to me (I ended up telling her that Ive been struggling with my ED brain, and that I feel like sticking to my routine concerning food is the only thing preventing me from giving into those thoughts).  We talked about how we need to start demonstrating to my brain that stepping out of my comfort zone is not going to kill me, that it will be uncomfortable, and it will be extremely hard, but I will survive.

Heres what we came up with as the best possible solution.  Next week Im going to have individual therapy on Tuesday at 4pm instead of 3, and then group on Friday.  That way I will have to change my work out schedule, but Ill still be able to work out 5 days.  Ill just have to get up a little early on Tuesday and work out before therapy.  By making the appointment later were hoping that I wont need to pee as often, but were not making it too late so hopefully it wont interfere with my eating schedule.  This still does not address the time issue, but it was the best that we could do.  It also may cause me to become extremely exhausted (which I worry about this causing an “episode”), but again this seemed like our best option.  Becky kept reminding me that we are not married to this decision, if we try it and it doesnt work, well brainstorm some more and figure something else out.

I gave her the razor, and told her about how triggering it had been getting it out, and everything that I had been thinking about earlier.  She said that because I had not acted on these thoughts and feelings, it had been another way of demonstrating to my brain that feelings are just feelings and that I dont have to be controlled by them.  She asked if I could bring another one next week.  I told her that I dont feel ready for that.  We talked about what else I could do as another step towards not having them.  We decided that I would put them out in one of our boxes in the garage so that theyre not as accessible, Ive yet to do so.

Later I found out from Toast what my lawyer had said about the SSI decision (SSI Decision – Partially Favorable, WTF??? and Part 2).  While she does agree that the decision is bullshit, and that if I wouldve gotten a different judge its likely that I would have been approved completely, she does not want to appeal.  An appeal would take a really long time, and there is always the chance that it could be denied outright if we appealed, so she said we should just take the win that we got.  So, while Im still pissed off, and still think its complete and total bullshit, Im trying to just be glad that I got approved at all, that isnt an easy thing to do.