After I posted on Sunday about my panic over my new therapy schedule (No Control, No Options), Becky (DBT Centers of Michigan) sent me another email. She asked that I come in Tuesday, as planned, and that we would brainstorm and see what we could come up with. I spent the whole night in a state of panic over this again. Before bed, Toast and I started talking about how Ive been feeling like Im drowning, that I dont have time to get anything done, and that I really needed to finish the posts about my SSI decision (SSI Decision – Partially Favorable, WTF??? and Part 2). I became extremely anxious and panicky, chest tight, unable to breathe, heart racing, shaking (like in my muscles), and I couldnt stop moving. I had already taken my tryptophan and “Zyrtec“, I should have been sleepy, but I was fucking wired. Toast kept telling me to use my rescue inhaler, but I didnt want to. I wanted to wait until I talked to Molly about when to use it. I needed to go to sleep, so I finally gave in and used it. It helped a little, and we finally went to bed. I did not sleep well at all.
Our neurofeedback appointment (Neurotherapy Associates of West Michigan) was at 1pm, so we had to get up early (Im not usually up until at least 1). The night before I had told Toast that we had to get up around 11:30am, well, at least by 11:45am. Since I hardly slept, I was not planning on getting up until 11:45am. Toast woke me up at 11:30am. I was annoyed to say the least, and to make matters worse, he had woken me up from a dream that I was pregnant and at my baby shower. If youve been following my blog for awhile, you should know how much the dream meant to me, and how much I was enjoying it. Needless to say I woke up in a terrible mood.
When we got to neuro, we gave Molly the letter from Dr Miller (Allergy Associates of Western Michigan). She read through it and was very excited that my readings were so low (her exact words at one point, 40 fucking 7, holy cow, referring to my small airway reading) because it was great confirmation of what she had already suspected, that this is very likely a big piece of the puzzle that is my anxiety.
She then said that what this means is that my body has been in fight or flight mode for a very long time. Im thinking, uh, yeah, duh, I could have told you that, its been abundantly obvious to me for as long as I can remember, but this does give a physical reason as to why. Ive never met someone whos anxiety is as high as mine as consistently as mine is, I know they must exist, but Ive never personally met anyone. Its constant. I am anxious 100% of the time, to varying degrees, even when Im in my “comfort zones”. She went on to say that its like having chains wrapped around your rib cage (and that really is literally what it feels like when I try to take a deep breath) which forces the body to prepare for war. It literally thinks that its physically under attack because technically it is. My small airways (large too, just to a smaller extent) are actually being squeezed so that air can barely get through.
She explained that sometimes in the beginning (starting use of inhalers) it will affect the whole body and interfere with the bodies systems. That my hormones might go kind of wacky for awhile, that it doesnt happen with everyone but it does happen (Im wondering if thats what caused my spotting last week, Willingness vs Willfulness). Also that it will take some time to get my lungs functioning at their full capacity, but after that I should start see real improvement with my anxiety. She told us about her step daughter, who shes worked with, and who has small airway issues. She said that when they 1st started working together, her step daughter felt like she had no voice, like she couldnt contribute to conversations. And that its kind of odd the way that physical issues with the lungs will much of the time show up psychologically in feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, and like you simply have nothing to contribute.
Their is a good chance that this is at least partially where my severe social anxiety comes from. I didnt start out this way, I was a very outgoing child when I was young. I was always entertaining, singing, dancing, acting. I know the part that my moms overly critical voice played, but this might help to explain why its so severe in me . Toast asked Molly if she could recommend a primary care physician because I do need to go to the doctor, but dont want to go to just anyone, and have them end up being an asshole, or not taking my opinions seriously. She said she would send us a link to the the 2 that she had heard the best things about. The rest of the session went normally. I played Bones, and Toast played some music in the background.
