Before we get started with my blog I thought I should explain a little about why I decided to write a blog and what you will find here.
1st hi, Im Gypsy and I have boderline personality disorder(and some other mental illnesses as well)
Yup, thats me.
Anyway, Ive been wanting to document my life with BPD for a while now. Originally I wanted to video tape my life and maybe use it to write a book or make a movie about it later(yes I dream big), but I cant afford cameras so I thought a blog would do just fine.
Above all else I write this for me as somewhat of a cathartic excercise, and I dont really expect many other people to read this. Now for those you who do choose to go on this journey with me, I also write this for you. For those who can not relate to my story, my hope is to open your eyes a little to what its like to live with mental illness, in my experience alot of people that dont live with mental illness or dont have someone close to them that do, tend not to really believe in it, even if they say they do, they get caught up on the “why dont you just”s (why dont you just get a job, why dont you just talk to people, why dont you just think happy thoughts, why dont you just…). I hope that by letting you see life through my eyes maybe itll be easier to empathize. For those of you that can relate, 1st, Im sorry and I wish that you couldnt, and 2nd, for me personally it helps to hear other peoples stories just to remind me that I am not alone, so I hope that I can do that for you as well.
What can you expect from this blog? Well, dont expect to find some well written masterpiece, or perfect spelling and grammar, but you can expect to find an honest account of my experience of daily living with BPD. You can google borderline personality disorder and find all kinds of sites explaining the signs and symptoms, which are all correct, but they dont explain at all what its like to live this way, what it feels like. So I will do my best to help anyone who cares to try, to understand what life is like through my eyes.
Thanx for listening
thank you for this blog i too have bpd and bipolar disorder..among other things i am heavily medicated… nice to know i am not alone
your welcome, thanks for reading and subscribing. if you ever want someone to talk to feel free to send me a message
Hi, just stumbled upon your blog. I also have BPD. Feel free to check out my blog. I look forward to joining you on this journey through the blogosphere. *hugs*
i subscribed to your blog, and the same to you
Hi thx i’m new at this well ughh kinda except my stint with myspace blogging a very long time ago i’m 34 suffer bpd for ever and a few other like anxiety /panic attacks,severe depression,ocd hmmmm lol if i dont scare ya away feel free to keep looking i’m still working o my blog today just a piece of me i guess like i sais new so please bear with me
Thanks
Tiff AKA BPDCrazed
Im new to this too, only been doing it since the end of December, so dont feel bad.
lol i know though i am trying to figure how to change my page around a bit hya know kinda like urs or others i see so it reflects me n bpd
I still dont think I have everything figured out
Gypsy could you tell me what my wife means in your words she says she feel like life is not real to her time to time like its a dream she has me worried real bad my wife is 26years old she has BPD all her life.
I dont know that I can explain it so that you can understand. I think its kind of something you cant understand unless you feel it because there isnt anything you can really compare it to that the average person feels. It literally feels like life is not real, like your watching it and not experiencing it, like a dream. You feel detached, you know that you are doing and saying the things that you are, but it just doesnt feel real. You feel numb, empty, hollow, like your not really experiencing the things that you are. I wish I could explain it better for you but I really dont know how. If you want to discuss this or any other questions you may have further feel free to comment or you can email me at gypsy116toast2001@yahoo.com. Is your wife in therapy? if you dont mind me asking.
Hi Gypsy,
I’ve taken a personal interest in your blog for many reasons really. All of them selfish I admit due to my own personal nature which are all going to be documented in my own blog. I enjoy learning, anlaysing and understanding, drawing conclusions and gaining insight in to the socail behaviour of people. Most of them bore me death and I know it’s not very nice but the more issues someone has, the more intrigued I am. I hope you don’t mind I have chosen to follow your journey?
Not at all
Someone linked me to your blog here, to a blog I made online asking for help…
I am certain I have severe case of BPD, and I already see simularities in the few things you’ve mentioned.
I’ve subscribed, btw. And if you have time I’d like to share things with you. But only if you want to. And maybe I jus’ need someone to talk to who knows how it is.
Thank you..
Id 100% be willing to listen and talk about whatever you need, thats 1 reason I created this blog, I just want to help in any way that I can. You can email me at gypsy116toast2001@yahoo.com, Ill get back to you as soon as I can.
I can relate with you gypsy, although it has taken me a long time to come to terms with my disorder. At times I feel so out of the loop that suicide seems the only real cure for this helpless, hopeless feeling. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I just signed up for some mental health and am not looking forward to be drugged out but it has to be better then not having any treatment. I am homeless and seem to be at everyones mercy so to speak. I already have no selworth. haha on mental illness.
Im sorry that you can relate, if you ever want to talk feel free to email me at gypsy116toast2001@yahoo.com
Hey Gyspsy.. thank you soooooo much for this blog.. I too live with BPD… I too write a blog about living with this and other mental illness and like you I have heard a trillion people say to me a trillion times WHY DONT YOU JUST…
ugh.
i have been to hell and back so many times and my mental illness has kept me from doing so much.. but slowly and surely Im trying.. really damn hard to get my life back..
I look forward to reading your blog and hope you can drop by some time
Your welcome, and thank you
nice blog
thanx
Gypsy!!!!
Ok, so I have nominated you for the VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD. Yay!!
Im so happy to have found your blog, I feel like I have known you forever. Thank you for your feedback, and for sharing your great journey with me xoxoxx
http://panicmonster.com/2011/05/12/guess-who-got-an-award/
Follow the instructions from my post if You would like to accept the award.
xo Panicmonster
Wow, thanks. I feel the same, and I will do that!
I’ve seen your comments on a friends blog that I subscribe to also. This is now added to my subscriptions, looking forward to being able to relate to someone.
Thanks for subscribing to my blog, and keep up the good work here – your posts are great!
http://showard76.wordpress.com/
Your welcome, and thank you!
I think you’re incredibly brave to put your inner-self out there for all to see, your an inspiration to anyone suffering with their mental health, not just BPD!
I suffer with severe depression and I shall be subscribing to your blog none-the-less. ^-^
I hope with all us ‘not normal’ people putting ourselves out there, we can make the world more aware of mental health problems and that it’s not something to fear, but something to learn from.
Thank you for the support dear, and that is my hope too
I was 16 years old when I was stubbing out cigarettes on my hand. And I once cut my wrist to get attention. But my mother was just irritated, and my father said that night “The next time you try to kill yourself wear your own shirt, please dont wear mine.” I never did cut myself or stub cigarettes on my hand again but I also did not talk about my feelings for 16 years. Im 36 now and I am still stuck in my past. Sometimes I feel kinda betrayed of that person that I somewhere deep inside.
Thanks for sharing your life!!!
Deeply grateful,
Chris
Your welcome, and thank you for the support, and for sharing part of your story as well. If you ever want to talk about anything feel free to send me a message.
Hi Gypsy, Just a quick comment to let you know i have started to follow your blog and appreciate you blogging so much. I find your words and shared experiences very helpful and inspiring. So thanks for writing and being strong enough to expose your personal experiences. I hope to be able do the same as i begin my own blog.
Thank you, and your welcome!
Hi Gypsey, ive just stumbled upon your blog and i’d like to follow you if that’s ok? I have BPD too and I blog about my bpd journey if u want to follow me, please feel free to subscribe x
Of course thats ok, thanx for the support.
good idea! I use writing as an outlet on my own and at online support groups. I tried to start my own official blog, but paranoia/approval issues got in the way and I nixed it.
Thank you!
Hey Gypsy (love your name btw, I actually hate mine so for a while I’ve told friends to call me Jinx). Anywayz, I’ve wondered for the past… I dont know, year, if I have BPD. I was actually seeing a psychologist (due to ending up in a bad place and suicide attempts) for a while and she though I could have Bipolar disorder or Borderline personality disorder; I was even checked in to see a psychiatrist a few times for analysis, but I wasn’t able to attend appointments regularly and they discharged me, so now it’s just up in the air.
Do you think that perhaps reading your blog could give me a better idea if I am or not?
Yes, actually I do, or at least possibly. We (people with BPD) are all different but are also similar in a lot of ways. Reading my blog, and/or others like mine may help you to see the parallels in your life. Have you looked into the diagnostic criteria (http://gypsy116.wordpress.com/2010/12/28/signs-and-symptoms-vs-reality-and-experience/)? If you ever have any questions or would like to talk about anything, feel free to comment here, or send me an email, gypsy116toast2001@yahoo.com
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. – CHECK (i hardly tell my family anything for fear of being judged and disowned)
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. – CHECK (hav been dumped multiple times because of this)
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self. – CHECK? (i feel like i’m 20 different poeple with too many wants, desires, aspirations, etc. and one minute im acting like one person the next im different; i used to think i had dissosiative personality disorder because of this. Does that count for this symptom?)
4. Impulsibity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self damaging(e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) – CHECK (oh, boy, CHECKCHECKCHECK. I CANT save money, i myself dont drive yet but LOVE getting in the car with reckless drivers, i eat when im bored and depressed, and i engaged in spare-of-the-moment unprotected sex multiple times, but i dont do drugs tho i’ve wanted to a dozen times)
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self mutilating behavior – CHECK (ended up in therapy for 2 years cause i cut myself and attemted suicide 3 times; i was only discharged because i stopped attending appointments and lied for months that i hadnt cut)
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood(e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days). – CHECK (been dumped for this too – i get really intense anxiety [though it runs in the family] and would go through out of the blue periods of extreme irritability where EVERYTHING pisses me off – and i get phases of paranoia too that are only brief, where i think im being watched or people are using me)
7. chronic feelings of emptiness. – MAYBE (I feel hopeless a lot… like im just absolutely incapable of everything and no one could possibly want me. does this count?)
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger(e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). – CHECK (i’ve broken 6 hairbrushes using them as weapons and put multiple holes in doors; i lash out and attack people if they push me too far [threaten people with scissors and knives sometimes] and get pissed off really easily, especially if people dont reach my expectations)
9. transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. – ??? (perhaps. would be easier to know if i knew wat this meant….)
So you can see then, why I believe i have BPD? I took multiple online tests and got 80% – 100% on like, all of them………….
Now i feel like im getting annoying, but couldn’t stop thinking about adding this after i posted: sometimes i get these… backseat driving phases. As if im detached from the world, and am not in it but merely seeing it and i can have thoughts (eg i shouldn’t be doing this) but never act on them… one time i completely shut down:
i’d had a lunchtime councelling appointment scheduled and had to go there from school but a truancy officer wouldn’t let me and sent me back. So i went back and talked to friends a little, but then got up, went into the bathrooms, and curled up in a ball on the floor. I didn’t move for an hour and they had to call my mother to pick me up – and even then i refused to move. But during it i wasn’t listening to anyone it was just thoughts “I dont have to deal with this. I can shut down. None of this is actually happening. It doesn’t even matter.” etc……
Am i just weird or is this related to BPD???
That would be what #9 was talking about, dissociating
I would definitely try to get in to get an evaluation, like I said I cant diagnose you but it definitely sound like a possibility to me. You should try to get a diagnosis and therapy now if you can. the longer you wait the harder and harder it is to get better.
Well in all honesty, I’ve been in councelling before and it was nightmarish – they people just looked at me like I was 5 and kept lumping me off into these social groups (and i suffer from social anxiety) and whenever I messed up (eg cut myself) they would just get all disapointed and I felt lyk i was wasting their time.
Anyway, the REAL point of this responce is that I’m only 16 (just had a bday) and you have to be 18 to be diagnosed with BPD.
Ps… I’d love for you to read my new blog? I feel weird for asking, but it’s new and without anyone reading it i sometimes feel like it’s pointless…… http://www.jinxunriddled.blogspot.com/
You just need to find the right therapist. I know it sucks, but, really, I do wish you would try and get help now. I wish I had listened to people when I was your age and gotten real help, it could have saved me a lot of fucking pain over the years. Ill Check out your blog
Gypsy,
I just happened upon your site. I like it.
You clearly have periods of relative stability that are long enough, or frequent enough, that you can maintain this blog. So — though you may have said so elsewhwere on the site –, my questions are: what meds are you currently taking?; what have you taken in the past?; what has worked?; what not? More specifically, have you ever taken an MAOI? To what result? If not, why not? Is it prescribed/appropriate for BPD? That kind of thing.
The reason I ask is that I currently take an MAOI and have been helped tremendously by it. Of course, I was not prescribed an MAOI until after ten years of severe depression (and the appurtenant loss of many things), the prescription of every OTHER available medication, ECT treatments, and two suicide attempts. There is great resistance among psychiatrists to prescribing MAOIs, and I wanted to get someone else’s thoughts on the matter. Someone, that is, who actually TAKES medications, rather than merely prescribing them.
I have by no means been “cured” by the MAOI; but, after a brief adjustment period, the difference has been night vs. day.
1st, not to be rude but I dont understand what my having or not having periods of “relative stability” have to do with you question, and I suppose that depends on your definition of stability, but anyways the only medication that Im currently taking is Ativan, a benzodiazapine, but I am in the process of weaning my way off of it, then I will be completely medication free. I have taken about a zillion different things in the past, and none of them did anything but give me terrible side effects. But no Ive never been prescribed and MAOI. I have absolutely no interest in taking meds, in my opinion they do more harm then good, and they pretty much go against my core belief system, I prefer a more natural approach.
You are an Awesome person and a Beautiful soul! Thank you for your courage and love sharing your story and your thoughts! I look forward to reading and enjoying the posts and heart you share.
Thank you so much for the support
You are welcome and thank you for sharing the inspiration!
thanks so much for blogging i ve had bpd since i was 15 and being the only one in my family with it alot of times they dont understand. my sister had paronia schizophrenia she died in Dec 2010 she was the only person that understood. i also dont know anyone else who has this or any mental illnesses. so thank you for sharing.
You are very welcome. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to get a hold of me here or you can email me, gypsy116toast2001@yahoo.com
Just found your site and read this…can’t wait to read the rest of your blog in time.
Thanks for the support!
Go generic comment go! So…I threw you into my Versatile Blogger ‘award’. In other words, I like(a lot) what I read here, and I think other people will too. Smile or ignore this!
thank you dear
Hi Gypsy, just found you from a search. I to have BPD and other mental health challenges. I have also started a blog to try to make some sense of my life. I hope that maybe one day i can share my blog with my family. For now it’s my secret diary designed to help me recover and to live better with my condition. I wish you well x
Thanks for the support:)
Cool idea/blog. I quite like your writing!
Thanks!
I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger and Tell Me About Yourself awards.
Please find my initial response here: http://elizadolly.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/super-mega-catch-up-blog/
And my nominations here:
http://elizadolly.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/nominees-and-an-apology/
Much love!!
Thank you dear:)
Pingback: Blog for Mental Health 2012 | Through my eyes: Adventures in Borderline land
I am all about catharsis! Nothing like brash honesty. Thanks for subscribing to As the Pendulum Swings. As you’ve probably read, I’m a woman in my late 20′s that has a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. I am for mental health awareness and dialog. I am glad to be on the journey with you.
Your welcome, and thank you dear
I happened to stumble upon your blog and we have a lot in common. I’ve been suffering from BPD for most of my life (I’m 23) but was just recently diagnosed with it. With that diagnosis I have been able to start to get help (trying to do some DBT), but it is such a difficult disorder to live with and for other people to understand. I wish you the absolute best and thank you for sharing your story and being so open and honest.
Thank you, and i wish the same for you
Just nominated you for the liebster award.
Thank you dear!
You are a brave person and I reckon that….You are an inspiration to peoples who are not able to open their real self…..just continue this journey and may peace be upon you…..you are a beautiful soul in this world..:)
Wow, thank you
I have a lot of words… they are all just too damn stuck. … it’s too much right now for me to understand why my mind is the way it is… it’s new to me… not my mind… just knowing… and the labels… I’m tired and just want to ‘get better’
Love your blog!
~L
I totally understand the feeling. Thank you
I have been following you for awhile and this is actually the first time I have ever read this page. I was diagnosed with manic depression and bipolar disorder so I can definitely relate. I hope this life gets better for you and everyone who suffers with BPD and mental illness. Know that we are all in this together. Stay strong! HUGSS
Thank you,, I do too
You are one of my nominations for the Versatile Blogger Award!! If you want to know more check out my new post.
Thank you
Your welcome
I thought you really deserved it. I always read your blog.
I just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award: http://themirthofdespair.wordpress.com/2012/03/10/very-inspiring-blogger-award/
Thanks dear
So I’m trying to do the whole question game thing… but don’t have a clue how… so here’s the link!
http://mmstores.wordpress.com/about/lets-play-a-game/
Hi, Have been checking out your blog and you really are an inspiration, I’m 30 and have been diagnosed with BPD since 2008, so difficult to try and get help where I live as they an only offer me CBT which I find really invalidating. Most of the assist services I’m with get annoyed when I say I can’t go out and socialise with people. I don’t think doctors understand what we go through everyday
Thank you.
I had a really hard time finding therapy too unfortunately. Im lucky enough to have parents that are willing to pay for my therapy, I dont know what Id do if I didnt. I agree, they dont most dont understand, but dont give up on trying to find the right help.
Dear Gypsy
Bright Blessings. I follow another Blog (a day in the life of a busy girl) and they reposted one of your Blog posts so I got to read your own work. I’ve spent about an hour or so on your Blog and have decided to follow and join your Blogsite as I feel you write openly, honestly and authentically. I have my own Blogsite and would truly appreciate your comments and feedback if you have the time. I also have BPD and several mental health issues I’m working with. If you felt it was worthy of being included in your Blog roll that would be super cool
I’ll keep enjoying your Blog now I’ve joined. Wishing you and Toast and your family love, light and happiness.
Here’s my link: http://journal-of-a-mad-man.blogspot.com
Terry
Thanks, Ill definitely check yours out too.